Conan: The Barbarian

I really could have seen anything this weekend, maybe I should have, but I was just too damn curious to see what this thing would look like. I was never a huge fan of the comic book character and I remember vaguely seeing the Conan movies long ago and I honestly can't tell you much about them except that Arnold was in them and he said things like, "Crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women!" It's a funny line, bad ass, but funny. Especially when Arnie says it. I just wasn't sure how they would be able to reboot a series that pretty much made Arnold the action God that he is.

Conan the Barbarian (Jason Momoa) is out for revenge against the evil bastard that killed his father (Ron Perlman), his name...Lord Khalar Zym (Stephen Lang). Conan finds out that Zym is trying to revive his dead witch of a wife using a special mask of power created by Necromancers and to, you guessed it, take over the world. In order to do all of this conquering Zym has to get the pure blood of an Archeon (don't worry it really isn't that important to the plot to know what an Archeon is.) named Tamara (Rachel Nichols). Conan grunts and smolders and kicks a lot of ass, protects Tamara and puts the smack down on Zym and his nutbag daughter with the giant forehead, Marique (Rose McGowan).  End of story.

There really isn't much to say about this it's pretty much as advertised. The entire plot, narrated nicely by Morgan Freeman by the way, is spelled out in the beginning about Necromancers, dark masks and magic, yadda yadda. The film doesn't waste much time to get to the Spartacus: Blood and Sand type gore. Conan doesn't say much he growls and stares like the lead singer of Metallica and he has this annoying habit of randomly driving his sword into the ground. Momoa, who also does his best Conan on the hit show Game of Thrones, isn't terrible in the role. The kid who plays Conan the younger tops him for sure. Momoa wields the sword as best he can in a script that seems to have been written by a three year old. It's absent the politics and subtle overtones on war and spiritualism of the Milius' hit from the 80's. But it delivers on what is advertised lots of action and blood and gore and ample boobies throughout to keep any red blooded male satisfied. Not to mention the locales are pretty breathtaking. Very impressive cinematography I must say. Stephen Lang chews the scenery well as Zym but he isn't served much by the role, and Rose McGowan is pretty much useless except for looking head-scratchingly weird with her bulbous forehead and squeaky voice. She doesn't sound much like a warrior woman. Rachel Nichols provides the only character development other than young Conan and she does her best with what she has to deal with. It's also too bad we didn't get to see more Ron Perlman as Conan's daddy. This guy is great in pretty much whatever he does.

Overall it's a brutal mindless action flick that really should have come out earlier in the summer and probably would have fared much better. Also if you do decide to go and see it I would personally skip the 3D if I were you. I saw it in 2D and it looked just fine, there doesn't seem to be any advantage in seeing it in 3D, except for the studio, in that it burns a hole in your pocket. But if you're looking for an escape from the reality of our shitty economy and you're just feeling bloodthirsty about it then don't waste anytime get your blood lust out on this Conan flick and feel much better.

Grade: 2 Buckets

Captain America: The First Avenger

How many Comic Book movies does that make now just for the last four months? Not that I'm complaining or anything I've seen most of the biggies and I'd have to say I'm about 65% satisfied with the lot of them. But I do think in the future it might behoove these film companies to spread the spandex out just a little bit. For instance having Thor, Green Lantern, X-Men: First Class, Transformers 3D and Captain America all come out within 4 months of each other was kind of overkill. Which brings me to my next point about Cap's box office haul opening weekend last week, it had pretty good reviews and opened to a solid 65 million. Yes, that's a pretty solid opening for a superhero that isn't enjoying Spider-Man size popularity across the board. But honestly, it should have been bigger, which makes me think it had something to do with Cape and spandex fatigue. I mean after all the bloated shit the U.S. has had to deal over the last few years in addition to real super soldiers from Seal Team 6 putting two in Osama's face, there was no doubt in my mind that a guy who wears a star spangled shield and is named Captain America kicking the Nazi's ass in WWII was, and frankly should, be number 1 at the box office for three straight weeks. America, Fuck Yeah!

Weakly Steve Rogers (Chris Evans), is determined to join the Army to fight the Nazis at whatever cost. He may be a 90 pound asthmatic weakling but he's got courage and heart which count for a lot. He's denied several times at various recruiting stations until a kindly scientist, Dr. Abraham Erskine (Stanley Tucci) offers him the chance to serve his country by being the first test subject for a Super Soldier Program.  Cap gets to join forces with the Howling Commandos; his old pal Bucky Barnes (Sebastian Stan), Gabe Jones (Derek Luke), Dum Dum Dugan (Neal McDonough), Jim Morita (Kenneth Choi), James Montgomery Falsworth (JJ Feild) and Jaques Dernier (Bruno Ricci). Their mission is to bring down the science division of the S.S, Hydra, led by Johann Schmidt aka. The Red Skull (Hugo Weaving) and his toady scientist Dr. Arnim Zola (Toby Jones). Cap gets some extra support from his gal Peggy Carter (Haley Atwell) a British agent who is fiesty, smart and gorgeous. Also from the craggy Col. Chester Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones) and the Billionaire industrialist and father of Iron Man Howard Stark (Dominic Cooper).

As a fan of the comics and the Avengers it's easy to forget when you are reading about this adonis with the super shield actually started as a weakling. You get a few random sketches of him, in those books, as a thin rail but most of the story he's already Captain America with his heightened strength, speed and agility. So for the film it was really great seeing the Cap you know and love in the body of this little runt. It really gives the performance a lot more weight. Yes at times it was a bit hokey and the script wasn't perfect. But it really captured the essence of the time period, that spirit of the Greatest Generation and Evans' Steve Rogers embodies that perfectly. I really did enjoy this flick, director Joe Johnson has, for the second time, been successful in transporting me back to the early part of the 20th Century. The first was the Rocketeer from 1991, a truly fun flick if you haven't seen it I recommend you check it out on Netflix. Cap also fits in nicely to the larger story that everyone, including myself have been waiting for, The Avengers. There is a great teaser trailer for it after the credit sequence, it's like being a kid at Christmas. It's a truly fun flick and if you are looking to just get away and see something that will make you feel good to be an American, where it seems like the "Can do Spirit" still exists. So avoid the Smurfs, go and see something worth a damn, God Bless America!

Grade: 3 Buckets

X-Men: First Class

Yes I realize this is really late but this summer has been extremely busy. I was recently in the city of (Dirty) Angels for work and got to catch up with some friends. They both had seen First Class already but they liked it enough to see it again with me, which was great, cause at the rate I was going I was never gonna see the damn movie on the big screen. For a few weeks I tried to get my wife interested in seeing it but she's doing this, "I'm kind of done with the Superheroes" thing. She couldn't quite understand why the X-Men were in the 60's and what exactly that had to do with the Cuban Missile Crisis? She lost interest before she could even finish her sentence. So thanks Jen and Speck for seeing it again just for me.

First Class follows the two very different lives of it's most famous Mutants. Charles Xavier (James McAvoy), the telepathic mutant originally played by Patrick Stewart in the first few films. Thankfully McAvoy didn't play him as a caricature. He's a good hearted guy but he's arrogant and spoiled and he's not above using his powers to bed pretty girls. He's sheltered from the world in his mansion and it makes it harder for him to control or fully understand his complicated friend Erik Lehnsherr (Michael Fassbender), a Holocaust survivor and mutant with the power of magnetism. Erik was originally played by sir Ian McKellan, and honestly I think Fassbender is even better in the role.  Erik only feels anger and vengeance and in the beginning he's on the hunt for Nazis in hiding. The first forty minutes are almost like the Odessa File and Munich, as Erik brutally hunts these men down and kills them. The big fish he's after is a former Nazi under the surname Sebastian Shaw (Kevin Bacon) who is himself a mutant. Possibly the most powerful of them all as  he is able to absorb kinetic energy, channel it and use it as he sees fit. It also allows him to slow the aging process. Shaw is intent on bringing humans to their knees while birthing the dominance of mutants by inciting a war between the Soviet Union and the United States. Only the X-Men led by Xavier and Lensherr, aka. Magneto, can stop him from creating a new global Holocaust.

This flick completely washed away the terribleness of X3 and Wolverine. I really did love that this takes place in the 60's where I think being "children of the atom" works best in this era. I still wish that Fox would get a clue and included the original X-Men to this movie and call it a reboot. That would include; Scott Summers aka. Cyclops, Jean Grey, Bobby Drake aka, Iceman, Warren Worthington aka. Angel and of course the only one of the group that was in the movie Hank McCoy aka Beast (Nicholas Hoult). Instead we got stupid throwaway B characters like Darwin (Edi Gathegi) & slutty Angel (Zoe Kravitz). Admittedly Darwin wasn't terrible but ugh, Zoe Kravitz's Angel was awful. She looked awful when she flew she looked almost laughable when she shot out her flame balls from her mouth. If they had given her a larger role it would have completely ruined the movie. Thankfully the chemistry between frenemies Xavier and Magneto was so good it allowed me to ignore her for the most part. I also really liked the evolution of Beast as they seem to stay pretty close to the comic. He was certainly the heart of the show and you really feel for him when the experiment on himself goes awry. I also really loved Jennifer Lawrence as Mystique, she totally erased the bad acting of Rebecca Romijn from the first few films. She gave her a depth and a much better road for her turning wicked then what was presented in previous films. I know fanboys were howling over her early relationship with Xavier but it really makes sense in the larger scheme of the comics and how she makes her turn to the dark side. The rest of the team, Banshee (Caleb Landry Jones) and Alex Summers aka Havok (Lucas Till) were nice additions. I also really enjoyed Rose Byrne as Moira MacTaggert. Not quite sure why she was a C.I.A agent but whatever I though it worked. For future films I'm going to enjoy how they explain Alex Summers, who is Cyclops' younger brother, fits into the larger universe especially if Scott makes an appearance in future films.

As for the bad guys I really dug Azazel (Jason Flemyng) who is sure as shit Nightcrawler's daddy the way he moves. Riptide (Alex Gonzalez) was cool but they didn't really allow him to do much except make little mini tornadoes. Kevin Bacon was great as Sebastian Shaw, he was effortless with his German, perfect embodiment of evil. The only flaw here was the White Queen (January Jones). She is certainly hot and she looks the part but damn this woman is so wooden. There are so many women who I think would have been great in this role but none of them were January Jones. Yes I understand she is on Mad Men but that doesn't mean she's a good actress or more importantly it doesn't mean she is capable of playing a complex character like Emma Frost. I mean this chick has been apart of the Hellfire Club the Brotherhood of Mutants and the X-Men. Couldn't they find somebody a little more suitable then January Jones? But again she wasn't bad enough to deter me from loving every minute of the film. Director Matthew Vaughn has proven once again what a phenomenal director he is. So far I haven't seen a film he has directed that I haven't liked.  So if he wants to bitch about how bad Brett Ratner is, I think he's well within his rights to do so. Yes I understand that X-Men hasn't brought in as much money as Last Stand but it is a far superior film. Hell I think it's just as good or better than X2 which up until now was my favorite of the X series.

I realize that this review is really late and X-Men First Class may already be gone from your local theatre but if it isn't or if it's in a subrun house, ditch Transformers and that stupid looking Zookeeper, go and see something that will make you feel good about the comic adaptations again as well as entertain the fuck out of you. A small note here for MGM/Sony, whoever the hell is going to be doing the Bond flicks in the future; If Daniel Craig decides to stop being Bond you shouldn't waste much air and go right for Michael Fassbender the guy was basically playing Bond for the first hour or so of this movie, I shit you not he may be an even better Bond than Craig and Connery.

Grade: 4 Buckets

Thor

The second film of the Summer is upon us and it looks like it's on it's way to a strong 66 million for Mother's Day weekend. I did try ever so valiantly to take my lady for Mother's Day to see Thor, but she would have none of it. Chris Hemsworth's pecks were not enough to get her to the cineplex, I had to see it by myself late on Friday. But no worries on that score, I've been eagerly anticipating this one as well as Captain America: The First Avenger which comes out July 22nd. Being a fan of comics and Marvel specifically, the hiring of Shakespeare obsessed Kenneth Branagh to direct was a very smart move, and even before I saw any footage, I had a feeling that this was going to hit all the right notes. Once I finally saw the trailers though I was hooked, it looked great and it seemed like they fixed the problem of blending a mythical magical storyline into the hyper-reality of the Marvel Universe. Ever since I saw Chris Hemsworth in his brief but memorable role as Captain Kirk's daddy in Star Trek I was intrigued about this guy that made me believe he was the leading man in a film I absolutely knew he wasn't. I kept saying to my wife, "who the hell is this guy, I want to see what happens when this guy is given his opportunity at the center stage?" Looks like I got my answer, and given the strong showing at the box office it seems to be holding true.

The Norse God of Thunder, Thor (Chris Hemsworth), and his brother Loki (Tom Hiddleston) are tasked by their father Odin (Anthony Hopkins) to guard the 9 Realms of the Universe and keep the peace with their mortal enemy the Frost Giants and their evil King Laufey (voice: Colm Feore), who had attempted to take over the other realms especially Midgard or Earth. But his forces were defeated by Odin and the bad King's power cube was taken away from him so that he may never use it for evil again. Thor, because of his vein and arrogant nature provokes another war with the Frost Giants putting the 9 Realms in danger once more. Odin is of course pissed and banishes his son to Earth and strips him of his Godlike power which resides in his mighty Hammer Mjolnir. Thor and his hammer crash land in New Mexico where he meets a team of researchers (Stellan Skarsgard & Kat Dennings) led by Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) who try to understand how Thor got here. He has to put his vanity and pride away in order to save Earth from his spiteful and manipulative brother, Loki, who now has sights on Odin's throne. Thor will need the help of everyone on Earth and on Asgard, especially his closest confidantes: Volstagg, played by the great Ray Stevenson, who unfortunately gets a little lost in the shuffle of so many characters, Hogun (Tadanobu Asano), Fandral (Josh Dallas) & Sif (Jamie Alexander), who really showed what a bad ass Sif could be on the big screen. Not to mention smoking hot too.

The movie is well put together, honestly, even after seeing it I still don't know how that worked. You have this crazy fantasy world with on top of the bizarre buildings and a Rainbow Bridge for Christ sake, a bunch Gods wearing outfits from the Middle Ages and speaking in Olde English. Then you have modern day New Mexico, where the slightest tweak could make the whole movie unintentionally funny and ruin the whole thing. It's the same problem they worried about before the Avengers was put into action. How do you put Iron Man in the same room with the God of Thunder and have it not be goofy and weird. Chris Hemsworth pretty much put that argument to bed himself in this film. He continued to talk funny for great comic effect but it worked. It didn't feel as out of place as it should have and he fucking sold it man. He kicked S.H.I.E.L.D's ass all over town and as Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg) put it made them look like a bunch of Mall rent-a-cops. I as always enjoyed the little Easter Eggs from other Marvel U alumni, see how many you can find. For instance I heard the Infinity Gauntlet was to make an appearance in Odin's vault but I didn't see it. They make references to Bruce Banner, Tony Stark and you get to see a certain purple clad archer make his big movie debut before the Avengers. (Thankfully they didn't have him wear that Purple spandex.) This was a truly great cast and I thought they all complimented each other well. I really liked Idris Elba as Heimdall, I know a lot of people were bitching about a Black man playing a Norse God but you know what it really worked. You needed somebody big and commanding with a sense of nobility in that role and I think he fit the role nicely. It's not a huge role but it's pivotal to the overall story.

Now the only real downside was the 3D, not that it wasn't good, it was, it's just that the 3D makes everything darker and harder to see. Also it just didn't feel like it needed the upgrade. I actually want to see it again in 2D, I have a feeling I'd enjoy it more. Watching Asgard in 3D was absolutely stunning but it just didn't make sense for the rest of the film. My suggestion, if you see the movie you should see it in 2D if you have the choice. Honestly it really isn't worth the extra dough to see it in 3D. But I do recommend you see it. Especially if you enjoyed the other Marvel films like Iron Man or the Hulk, they are really starting to hit their stride.

Grade: 4 Buckets

Iron Man 2

When last we left Tony Stark (Robert Downey Jr.) two years ago he had defeated his former friend and business partner Obediah Stane (Jeff Bridges) and in a press conference declared himself to be Iron Man. Fast forward to today (about 6 months, Iron Man time), Tony Stark/Iron Man is back and he's bringing some major muscle with him back to the Box Office. The first film should always be viewed as the blueprint for success for any superhero story. It's a character driven story that is funny, smart and entertaining as hell. The second is truly no different in that respect. Where the first film dealt with the origin of Iron Man and the humanizing of Tony Stark. The second film is deceptively darker as Tony, after he outed himself as Iron Man, has bitten off way more than he can chew.Tony Stark is enjoying life as the sole protector of the planet Earth. But he's got some problems heading his way. First the electromagnet protecting his heart is now poisoning his blood stream and slowly killing him. The Government wants him to hand over the Iron Man gear , and no does not seem to be a suitable answer. Which forces them to bring out the big guns in smart ass Senator Stern (Garry Shandling) and rival business Mogul and current weapons manufacturer for the U.S., Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell). They even try to use Col. James "Rhodey" Rhodes (Don Cheadle), Stark's best friend, against him. He's also being hounded by S.H.I.E.L.D and Nick Fury (Samuel Jackson) to man up and join the Avengers. And to make matters worse he's got a brilliant but crazy Russian name Ivan Vanko (Mickey Rourke) gunning for him. What is a rich Billionaire Industrialist to do?I really enjoyed this sequel I can't say that it's better than the first one but it certainly progresses the character of Tony Stark and plops him into a new world from the one he inhabited in the first one. Tony tries to be a good guy superhero but he really struggles with it. He's so arrogant and self-righteous it's hard sometimes, at least in the beginning, to see who the audience should truly root for. It was also great to watch him verbally spar back in forth with his right hand lady Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow). They are like an old married couple, classic. Now to some this may be a spoiler so I just want to alert you now if you haven't seen the film to gloss over this part but-- SPOILER!!!!One of my favorite scenes of the film is when Tony, drunk on his own power literally and figuratively decides to don his Iron Man armor and blow stuff up for laughs at one of his parties. On first glance it seems goofy as he stumbles around the room wearing his armor but the subtext is unavoidable, it's like a drunk behind the wheel of a tank. So of course his responsible friend Rhodey has to suit up in a spare Iron Man outfit and put him down before he hurts somebody. This is truly what makes Iron Man/Tony Stark different from any of the other Marvel heroes. No matter how many villains you throw at the guy he will always be his own worst enemy. This scene has shades of one of the more popular episodes of the Iron Man comic where Tony Stark battles alcoholism in Demon in a Bottle. They don't come right out and say it but it is clear that this kind of behavior is not behind him but looking him squarely in the eye. Perhaps in Iron Man 3.What a great group of actors and characters they threw into this flick. Sam Rockwell was hilarious and a little sad as the, not so smart used car salesman, version of Tony Stark. It was also nice to see Nick Fury get a little arc that proves to get even bigger as the series continues ramping up to an Avengers film. I know some people were annoyed with the references to the big Avengers flick that should take place in a few years, but I thought it fit in well. Speaking of which there are a ton of Easter Eggs in this one, so all I'll say is pay attention to the surroundings when Tony is talking with Nick Fury in the bunker. Also there is some stuff when he's getting a verbal smack down from Agent Coulson (Clark Gregg). So keep your eyes peeled. I also enjoyed watching Scarlett Johansson flip around in tight spandex as the Black Widow. I wasn't sure if she could handle a bad ass role like this but she proved she ain't no Jinx (Halle Berry). What can I say watching Don Cheadle suit up as War Machine kicking ass side by side with Iron Man was pretty frickin sweet. Also I was surprisingly satisfied with Mickey Rourke's Ivan Vanko. Personally he would not have been my first choice for the film, I'm not a Mickey hater but I'm not a fan either, what's the deal with the cockatoo Mick? Birds aside, he really brought some layers to his performance and brought some true menace and Khan like rage to amp up the action. Although I have to admit I had some mixed feelings about the over the top action sequence at the Monaco racetrack. It was cool to watch even though it went above and beyond any semblance of reality.So, if you haven't seen it yet go out and see it now. It's a really fun, well written summer blockbuster. Yes I understand the haters cry that there still aren't enough scenes with Iron Man blowing shit up. If you want a stupid giant robot blowing things up go rent Transformers . But if you want some great characters with depth telling a non-traditional comic book story with some great action pieces, then Iron Man 2 is your cup of tea. Oh, and one more thing AC/DC rocks the house.

Grade 4 Buckets

Kick-Ass

Now before I begin the review I want to iterate I have only read a few chapters of the first volume of the Kick-Ass comic book series. Not that it really matters, but from what I've read of the comic and now that I've seen the film, I can say they are pretty different at least in regard to the motivations of the characters. Which is a blessing in disguise, because to be honest, I didn't really love the comic all that much. I have the same problem with most of writer Mark Millar's original stuff. Not that his books aren't good it's just all of his lead characters are such colossal ass holes that it's hard to root or sympathize with anyone. Take for instance his Wes Gibson character from Wanted. You feel sorry for this guy in the beginning, but by the end Wes is such a dick that his kiss off on the last page kind of leaves you unsatisfied and angry. The same could be said for his Dave Lizewski, in Kick-Ass, he's a pathetic loser. When he decides to take the plunge into super hero territory he seems to be only led by his johnson. Which, at first, I can understand but after he gets his ass handed to him left and right I would think he would have thrown the suit away after the first stabbing. Unless he is just crazy, no one would take a constant beating just for a piece of ass. Also he suffers from similar dickhead-itis as Wes Gibson. So naturally I lost interest in the book. When I heard about the movie I just kind of shrugged but I will admit when the first few trailers started to surface my intrigue grew. Also the fact that Matthew Vaughn was directing gave me a lot of confidence. He's still relatively new to the director's chair but I've liked all of his efforts so far. Layer Cake was really fun and it totally set the stage for Daniel Craig to be Bond and I don't care what anyone says I kinda dug Stardust (You can see my review here). The Box Office numbers so far for Kick-Ass have been pretty lukewarm, I'm pretty surprised by that, but it's tough to break into a wide audience being that the flick is a hard R. And make no mistake it is a tough movie. I mean you have a 12 year old girl murdering bad guys and talking like a drunken sailor. The comparison's to Pulp Fiction should not be taken as an exaggeration, it's violent and no matter how colorful the costumes, this is not for kids.The film follows high school fan-boy Dave Lizewski (Aaron Johnson) as he mulls the decision to break away from his pathetic mundane life and do something truly risky--put on a green wetsuit and mask and become a superhero. He calls himself Kick-Ass, although he has no powers and no apparent fighting skill, he tries to make a difference by standing up when others shrink. He inadvertently starts a superhero craze on Youtube which encourages others with far more skill to hit the streets against crime. Like Big Daddy (Nicholas Cage) and his daughter/sidekick Hit Girl (Chloe Moretz). The dynamic duo put Mafia boss man Frank D'Amico (Mark Strong) and his goons in the hurt locker. Which eventually puts Kick-Ass square in the middle of Mafia retaliation. If you listen closely Cage does a hilarious riff of Adam West's 60's Batman. Also his comic flashback mid-way through the film is truly awesome. You gotta give Cage credit for bouncing back after the silliness that was Bangkok Dangerous and Knowing. The movie is fast and funny with a sharp edge. Vaughn outdoes himself as director keeping a good pace as he ratchets up the tempo to the big finale. Unlike the comic I found I really liked Dave even though he was pathetic his heart was in the right place and you can see him become a man throughout the course of the story. The first hour and a half are brutal and hyper-realistic as he tries to fight crime and literally gets the beat down of his life. He truly is the Peter Parker character except he isn't as smart and, of course, he doesn't have powers. The one thing they do share is a compulsion to walk the streets in spandex. I wish we could have seen more of his two comic book buddies Marty (Clark Duke) and Todd (Evan Peters), especially Clark Duke, this guy is really funny, (see Hot Tub Time Machine and Sex Drive.) unfortunately they are relegated to the sidelines for most of the movie. Now as much as I enjoyed Hit Girl and her ability to kick the ass of just about everyone she comes in contact with, I just felt it didn't always match with the hard reality theme they were working with in the beginning. Granted Kick-Ass has no formal training and this girl has but I just felt the combo of the two themes didn't quite work for me. Now you can say it was a progression from the real life to comic book story, but that really doesn't sound that interesting to me. I also was disappointed a bit with Mark Strong's D'Amico. It would have been great if they made him a bit more realistic instead of the same old stereotype of the Mafia. It would have been interesting if he was in the Tony Soprano mold, made him a bit more charismatic. I think it would have certainly added to the realism.Given the box office numbers it's unclear whether a sequel is a sure thing but they definitely set up the possibility for a Kick-Ass 2. I won't give anything away but it does involve the other superhero I hadn't gotten to yet, the Red Mist (Christopher Mintz-Plasse). Look he's still a little bit McLovin, but I think Plasse is stretching and if a sequel were to take place I would be curious to see how far he could take it. I really can't complain it's a well put together flick and if you haven't had a chance to see it do it soon. You will be mesmerized by Chloe Moretz, this kid is the real deal. She completely owns the role, there are times where you are wondering why the hell the film isn't called Hit-Girl.

Grade 4 Buckets

GI Joe - The Rise of Cobra

I saw GI Joe last week with Cody but I haven't been able to get up the strength to write about what exactly we saw last Thursday night. It had GI Joe in the title which made me think that it would be a movie about a Real AMERICAN Hero or Heroes. How completely and totally wrong we were. I had no expectations that this would be good. I read a few of the early reviews that claimed the film wasn't great but not as bad as expected. Although if you check Rotten Tomatoes it's at 37%. The chorus sounded the same. "Dumb fun with explosions." "No character development but fun, it felt like I was playing in my backyard." I wanted so much to enjoy it, mostly because of the GI Joe toys I played with in my backyard, and of course the cartoon. I'll sum it up in this way- I knew I was walking into a shit storm seeing this movie. But little did I know that the ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world wasn't Cobra. It was Stephen "Van Helsing" Sommers. On behalf of Cody and myself I wanted to thank you, Steve, for officially taking our childhood and flushing it down the toilet.GI Joe begins with Duke (Channing Tatum) and Ripcord (Marlon Wayans) who are tasked with protecting a new deadly weapon. Of course certain criminal elements, the Baroness and her Cobra Goon squad, are interested in the weapon and decide to try to take it by force. Our duo is then saved by a secret International organization called GI Joe (GI Joe is a generic term for US soldier). How could they be an international team and still be called GI Joe I can't understand that logic? It just didn't feel very American. Especially those stupid accelerator suits. Terrible, they looked like Captain Power or something silly like that. So for the rest of the movie the two teams GI Joe and Cobra fight for control of the nano weapons until it ends with a big bang at the underwater Lair. Evil?I wish I could say that was all the damage that they did but--ugh, where to begin. We get an unnecessary back story for Destro (Christopher Eccleston) and his clan McCullen as dirty rotten arms traders. Could be interesting I guess but really it just makes Destro predictable and boring. In the cartoon he's an arms trader but there is something mysterious about him-why does he wear that crazy mask, how did he get so bad ass? Like Wolverine, he becomes a pussy when you know too much. It is unfortunate to have to report this but yes Destro is not scary in the least in this film and that is a crime. Then we get to his partner in crime his lady love the bad ass evil, yet sexy, Baroness. She was very sexy and she seemed to be pretty bad until she wasn't and then there was that American accent. Yes I said it, the Baroness, (Sienna Miller) was an American. You may be saying, it's a movie adaptation, they just took a little detour.
(SPOILER WARNING!!!) How about this one for going off the rails, so it turns out the Baroness isn't bad at all, she's being controlled by nano-whatevers in her brain. And to top it all off she and Duke have something going on. What? But she's supposed to be manically evil and in love with Destro. How can she be with Duke, he's supposed to be with Scarlett? WTF is going on here? To make matters worse Scarlett has a strange love triangle with Snake Eyes and--Ripcord? This was just awful, it made no sense and it certainly didn't add to the story. Not to mention that Marlon Wayons was probably the worst part of this entire movie. After the first five minutes I wanted someone from Cobra to end him. This guy is supposed to be a comedian or something, every joke he put out there, almost every word period was just plain awful--he was so miscast. As were many of the Joes. Personally I thought Channing Tatum was ok, but just not as Duke. Dusty, for all of you Joe fans out there--Channing Tatum could have definitely been Dusty. Other than Mr. Tatum, everyone else was just terrible. Especially, Dennis Quaid as General Hawk. He was the one ray of hope for me in this movie. I thought of anyone he would have made a great Joe. He was cashing a paycheck for sure. He seemed stiff like he was trying to pass a damn stone the whole movie. Cobra Commander (Joseph Gordon Levitt) was a joke. They tried to make him dark and mysterious but he was just as goofy as the cartoon version. His mask was terrible too all they had to do was put him in a simple hood, but no that was too difficult. They made some weird clear mask that just looked like crap. The dialogue was probably some of the worst I've heard in a big Summer movie like this. It makes Transformers II sound like Shakespeare. If I were Stephen Sommers I would start packing my bags, because if you can make a Michael Bay movie look like an Oscar contender then you have some serious problems with your craft.Now there were a few bright spots, they are not always easy to find but they are there. Ray Park's Snake Eyes was fun to watch and I wish that we were able to see more of his kick ass sword fighting skills. Storm Shadow (Byung-hun Lee) also was fun to watch. I will admit that most of the action pieces were enjoyable but I just didn't give a shit about the participants. Even though he was too old I did like what they did with Zartan (Arnold Vosloo) and his Chameleon like abilities. Overall the film was just too stupid to take any real joy from it. The dialogue was the worst--it wasn't just that it was silly it was bad, like Uwe Boll bad. Whoever wrote this thing should take the same bus out as Mr. Sommers. If you feel you must see this giant flaming turd--go with a warning. It is not what you remember from your childhood. If you want to watch GI Joe in all it's American glory with the American Flag flying high go and watch the cartoon GI Joe Movie, trust me it will make you smile.
Grade 1 1/2 Buckets