TV: Cruel Summer

Ah yes! It's that time of year again... the daisies are in bloom, the swallows are returning to Capostrano, and the caked fecal matter on subway bums' loins smells extra shitty! Yes, friends, it's summer time. And with all that aforementioned good stuff comes the most fantasmagoriffic thing of all.... IT'S SUMMER REALITY TV SEASON!!!!!!!

And this summer, we have so much to be thankful for. The return of Big Brother... SEVEN, by the way. Which bestows the honor upon us of being the first All Star edition of Big Brother. Inevitably, making itself the most KICK ASS edition of Big Brother EVER!!!! But, alas, we all must wait until 7/6/06 to experience the ever lovin’, all star splendor of it all.

And then there is the return of the The Contender. The Sly Stallone, Suga’ Ray, Mark Burnett reality boxing masterpiece that never quite found an audience last season on NBC. But, for my money, was, bar-none, the best reality TV series of last fall. Thank heavens the ESPN gods sought fit to give the show another shot. Just goes to show you that every time you get knocked down, you gotsta get back up! Get it (insert cheeky wink)?

But the first, and quite possibly the best on my list of summer reality hits (sorry So You Think You Can Dance) is TREASURE HUNTERS! Yes, Treasure Hunters. With it's completely wooden toolbox of a host. What the f*** is his name anyway? And it's completely unoriginal premise. If you haven’t seen it, the show is basically a total bite off of Amazing Race, The Da Vinci Code, and National Treasure. In the first episode, 2 groups of 5 teams of 3 start off from different ends of the world, only to meet up in... VIRGINIA(?). Already confused? So am I. Anyway, after the two groups of teams meet up, they begin competing against each other to solve clues that ultimately lead to the discovery of an “artifact”. The “artifacts” the teams find will ultimately lead to a treasure. The treasure is... something that us, the audience, and, it seems, the producers of the show have absolutely no idea what it is. But... IT'S A TREASURE... that's for sure!

Anyway, so far, the stand-outs of show have got to be The Wild Hanlons, The Fogels, and the The Brown Family. The Wild Hanlons are basically the two mountain dudes from Deliverance along with their much more intelligent, much younger and keener protégé. The Fogels are a family trio of bible thumping morons from Orange County (yes, The OC) who have positioned themselves to appear as the biggest religious hypocrites to have ever appeared on TV since Jim and Tammy Faye Baker. And the Browns (God bless ‘em) are three fat, black brothers who have a no quit attitude and hearts the size to match their guts. Kudos to you, Brown Family, for keeping it real and I wish you all the best! God knows I will be watching, as should all of you. Treasure Hunters is my pick for the reality TV show of Summer ‘06.